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Stupid-husband trick will go up in flames
(by Christine Thome - September 16, 2009)
BEYOND MY CONTROL, BY CHRISTINE THOME
Stupid-husband trick will go up in flames
Throughout the years, I've written a lot of stories about the crazy things my husband says and does. In fact, many of his friends beg me to write "stupid John" stories. Not because they look forward to my weekly column, but so they can show the column to their wives and say, "See, honey, at least I'm not as bad as John Thome!"
Well guys, here's a stupid John column that should keep you out of the doghouse for the next few months. This Saturday, Sept. 19, my husband will join Ted Batchelor, the world-record holder of the longest fire burn without oxygen, and 15 other men and women to attempt to set the Guinness Book of World Records for the most people on fire at once. The goal is to light their entire bodies on fire for 40 seconds.
Author Terry Pratchett once said, "Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life." If that's the case, then my husband, John, will be toasty warm until he's well into his grave.
Most people ask why someone would attempt something so dangerous and so, um, stupid.
And the answer, or at least John's answer, is, "Because I can."
"This is my one opportunity to have my name in the Guinness Book of World Records!" he says. "Just imagine, honey. You are going to have a husband in the Guinness Book of World Records."
I think he imagines that, like the first lady to the president of the United States, playing second fiddle to his title will be a huge badge of honor and recognition for me.
"I'd rather have a husband featured in the Fortune 500 magazine," I mutter. But given the economy, that's not going to happen.
In fact, in this economy, John is probably worth more dead than alive, but I recently talked to our life insurance company, which said it won't compensate me if John perishes in this stunt.
"Your husband is doing what?" he asks for the third time.
"He's setting himself on fire for 40 seconds," I reply calmly.
"And he's doing this voluntarily?" he asks.
"Yep," I say. "I have nothing to do with it."
"Then I'm sorry, that's a pre-existing condition, and we won't cover the payments should something happen," he says.
"A pre-existing condition? I don't understand," I ask.
"Your husband is a moron, and we consider that a pre-existing condition," he says before hanging up.
I'm joking, but only because it is so difficult to tell people why John would want to attempt something like this and why I support him 100 percent.
Ted Batchelor, whom I mentioned holds the world record for the longest burn without oxygen, was our neighbor and continues to be our good friend. He started doing fire burns as a high school student who needed money for prom. I never knew Ted in his crazy years, but I know him now, and I know he is one of the most conscientious, caring and generous people around. This fire stunt is on his shoulders, and he has gone above and beyond to make sure it is a safe event and to ensure every single man and woman doing it understands the risks involved.
After the first informational meeting last spring, John came home absolutely amazed.
"There are people doing this who are grandparents and who have survived cancer," he said. "I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to beat. I'm just an idiot who thinks this is an opportunity of a lifetime."
I'm not an adrenaline junkie, so I have a hard time understanding his desire to set himself on fire, but I don't think I should deny my husband an opportunity that he and his family will remember for the rest of our lives. Since deciding to do this, John is more confident, caring and outgoing than ever before, and I didn't think that was possible for my extrovert husband.
Perhaps NHL player Reggie Leach was right: "Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
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