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Dead Christmas tree entitled to last laugh
(by Christine Thome - January 13, 2010)
BEYOND MY CONTROL, BY CHRISTINE THOME
Dead Christmas tree entitled to last laugh
This is the week of Christmas-tree death. Families throughout Northeast Ohio are finally putting away their Christmas decorations and dragging their beloved Christmas trees to the curb to be picked up by the garbage man or city services. If I drive slowly down most any street, I feel like I'm in a funeral procession as I pass discarded tree after discarded tree. Sometimes, I even get the urge to salute.
For at least a month, this stately symbol of life and beauty has held a place of honor in our homes. It seems cruel to just boot it to the street. Certainly, there must be a better send-off for the Christmas tree.
You can always spot the people who have way too much time on their hands. They carefully trim their Christmas-tree branches and make decorative winter wreaths to hang from their doors for the rest of the season. I wouldn't be surprised if they make toilet brushes out of the branches and coat racks from the trunks. Others are very kind and conscientious and place their trees in their yards to serve as bird sanctuaries or in ponds for the fish to nest in during the winter.
I, on the other hand, prefer to keep the naughty-nice status quo going. For every decorative and environmentally friendly thing you can do with a Christmas tree, there is an equal and opposite mischievous act you can commit. You'll have to work extra hard the rest of the year to get back on Santa's good list -- but as my husband says, sometimes it's just more fun to laugh with the sinners than to cry with the saints.
So for those of you who prefer naughty to nice, here are some uses for your dead Christmas trees:
Forget to renew your newspaper subscription? Use your Christmas tree as cover to steal your neighbor's paper. While you're incognito as a tree, use the opportunity to get rid of their garden gnome and University of Michigan flag that's been driving you nuts for years. For "Caddy Shack" fans, this is your one opportunity to finally use that Carl Spackler quote, "Pay no attention to that bush moving over there, it's just a bush. Nothing to look twice at. Nothing to be alarmed about."
Place your dead Christmas tree in one of those Christmas-tree bags and cover it in bio-hazard stickers before throwing it on your curb. Watch the garbage man's reaction. A second benefit? Nobody will come within a half mile of your house.
Secure your Christmas tree upright in your front yard and Superglue several dollar bills to it. Watch people passing by try to remove them. Sure, the economy sucks, but do they really think money grows on trees?
Before taking your tree to the curb, place a wireless voice transmitter in it and spy from your window. As a group of women taking their morning walk passes your discarded tree, say, "Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up!" As that annoying little dog that always does his business in your yard goes to lift his leg on your tree, start barking loudly and say, "That's right, dude! My bark is bigger than yours. Keep moving or you're gonna see my bite!" When the kids walking to school pass the tree, yell, "Hey, kids! Do you know how a tree gets onto the Internet? We log on. Ha, ha! Get it? Log on! Tell your teacher that one today."
I can think of several more uses for your dead Christmas tree, but they might land you in the police briefs of this newspaper. If at all possible, mulch your tree or throw it in your yard to save the birds, but remember, there's nothing wrong with having a little fun first.
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