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Wear boots for sidewalk solution
(by Barbara Christian - January 13, 2010)
WINDOW ON MAIN STREET, BY BARBARA CHRISTIAN
Wear boots for sidewalk solution
"Hi, it's me," the voice on the other end of the phone said. "We have a problem, and I have the answer."
It was my pal and merciless critic Miss Demeanor. When she speaks, I listen, because, while she is not always 100 percent right, she does give a needed break in the day. "Which problem and what solution?" I ventured.
"Snow," she said.
"Move to Florida?" I quipped.
"What I meant is how to get it off the sidewalks. It's the law, you know. Anyone with a sidewalk has to shovel it clean after every 3 or so inches, and I have an idea that will decriminalize not shoveling."
"OK, Miss D, I'll bite. What is your idea for making an honest woman of me?" I said. "Bad back, you know, I don't shovel, and I can't find a teenager to help, because they are all inside playing Guitar Hero."
She didn't hear me, because Miss D was too busy thinking what she was going to say next, and she always has something to say next.
"We decriminalize the snow shoveling by using criminals to shovel the snow," she said, waiting for applause. "Don't you think there is a lovely symmetry to that?"
"Symmetry, maybe, but 'lovely,' not so much. People wouldn't stand for felons scraping their sidewalks for fear they'll be casing their homes too."
"Not hardened criminals," she said. "People who are sentenced to community service for drunk driving or shoplifting or ..."
"I get it," I said. "But it'll never happen. It's not politically correct to have miscreants out and about wearing the scarlet 'A' of shame, those red vests that scream, 'I was bad; now I have to wear this vest.'"
"So we're supposed to molly coddle them? Let them do things they might enjoy?" she asked. "They should be sentenced to shovel snow."
"But what if they keel over while shoveling?" I parried. "The injury lawyers would line up as far as the eye can see."
"Well, if it's the law and the town decides to force the homeowners to shovel, then there will be bodies of taxpayers littering the sidewalks," Miss D jabbed. There was a long silence. I could hear her thinking.
"OK, I've got another idea," she said. "The only people who care if the sidewalks are clear are the people who walk, isn't that right?" she asked.
"Sure, but that's a lot of people. This is a walking town," I said.
"Even better. They should be in good shape. So we give them all shovels, then they can shovel their way to and from wherever they are going. We could set up a central drop-off and pick-up shovel repository in the old RTA bus shelter."
I had questions, but Miss D wasn't done.
"Council could pass a law saying everyone who walks has to shovel," she enthused. "Oh, this is too good. The mayor will want to hear about this right away." She hung up without so much as a goodbye.
Had she given me the chance, I would have pointed out the mayor may not be all that receptive. He walks to town all the time.
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