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Detours don't deter big spenders
(by Dave Lange - September 19, 2008)
COUNTY LINE, BY DAVE LANGE
Detours don't deter big spenders
"Would you do me a favor and explain what it is that people around here have against shortcuts."
It was my old pal Mush Limburger on the line. I'll try to do that, Mush, if you could just explain to me what the heck you're talking about.
"Well, just the other day I was out for a drive in my Hummer -- or was it my Beamer, oh, no matter -- going from one of my six or seven houses to visit one of my business partners off East Washington Street. I'm heading down Chagrin Road -- in order to avoid that traffic light at McFarland's Corners, you know -- and getting ready to cut across Savage Road, when it hits me. A big sign reading, 'Road closed.' All of a sudden, my shortcut is getting long. What's with that?"
If you were paying attention, Mush, you would know that $900,000 road-reconstruction project planned by the tax-and-spend liberals of Bainbridge Township has been in the works for at least four years. And, besides, the reason they're doing it is for people just like you, so you can take faster shortcuts through other people's peaceful neighborhoods.
"In that case, OK. But at least they could put up a warning sign at Chillicothe Road so that drivers like me know the shortcut is out of order. Anyway, I get there, and I'm ready to turn around in somebody's driveway, like I do in Solon all the time when I'm unable to cut somebody off to get onto the freeway from SOM Center Road."
Wait a minute, Mush. Don't you know that the residents in Solon's Carriage Park neighborhood don't appreciate people like you turning around in their driveways. The liberal spenders at City Hall paid big tax bucks to do an engineering study there, and they counted 36 turnarounds in just two days.
"What, those people never have to turn around in somebody else's driveway? Give me a break! As I was saying before your rude interruption, I decide not to turn around, and I take a little detour through Chagrin Falls instead. So I pull onto East Washington Street, and, whaddayaknow, there's a cop blocking the road, so my little shortcut is getting even longer. Why would they do such a thing?"
Sorry for the minor inconvenience, Mush. But somebody left a package on top of a mailbox, so they had to call in the bomb squad from Lake County with its bomb-sniffing dog, plus a U.S. Postal Service security detail.
"You're telling me they called in the bomb squad because of a package on a mailbox? There's something wrong with this picture."
Hey, Mush, if you got tax money for a bomb squad, you might as well use it. These days, you never know where terrorists may be lurking.
"Speaking of terrorists, since the cops detour me and my SUV over to Bell Street, I figure I'll take another one of my favorite shortcuts on Manor Brook Drive through South Russell, because nobody goes the 25 mph speed limit there. All of a sudden, I nearly run into some old dude with a beard walking in the middle of the road and giving me the evil eye -- like he was Obama sin Laden or something."
Oh, come on, Mush, you mean Osama bin Laden, and I'm sure he isn't hanging out in South Russell. There happens to be a lot of older folks along Manor Brook Drive who like to walk on the road for exercise, and they don't want a bunch of shortcut drivers speeding through their neighborhood.
"If they want to walk, maybe they should pay for some sidewalks."
Now, you're sounding like a big-spending liberal, Mush.
"Just give me my tax cut, and your grandchildren can pay for it."
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