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Valentine's Day event set for fantastic finish
(by Christine Thome - February 03, 2010)
BEYOND MY CONTROL, BY CHRISTINE THOME
Valentine's Day event set for fantastic finish
The world holds many mysterious questions -- the answers to which we may never know. Like why do we get stopped by every red light when we are frantically trying to get to a late appointment, yet they remain green for hours on end when we are trying to kill time? Where do single socks, pens and the remote control hide? And why do kids only get sick on the rare occasion that we have a fun day of shopping and lunch planned with girlfriends?
I don't expect answers to those questions, but I do demand that someone answer this question: Who in the world scheduled the Daytona 500 on Valentine's Day?
I'm sure some bigwig NASCAR yahoos gathered at Bubba's Bar & Grill with a bunch of beer and hot wings to make the 2010 schedule.
"Feb. 14, Feb. 14, why do I think that day is important for some reason?" said Billy Bob.
"I don't know, it don't mean nuthin' to me. Pass the Tabasco sauce, will ya?" said Earl.
"I can't get that date out of my head, guys. There's something there," said Billy Bob.
"I know!" said Earl. "Feb. 14 is the day you bought that fancy fishing boat last year."
"That's it! It's my boat anniversary! Phew, I was afraid it was one of those damn dates I have to dress up in my overalls and take the little wife out. Boys, go ahead and put Daytona 500 on the calendar for Feb. 14," said Billy Bob, sloshing his Budweiser above his head in victory.
If I was just starting to date my husband and wanted to impress him, I may pretend to enjoy watching little cars go around a track 500 times, but, after nearly 20 years of marriage, I would rather slam my hand in the car door 500 consecutive times than spend Valentine's Day watching the Daytona 500.
Now, if your man is smart, he will start wooing you with promises of a romantic dinner the weekend before Valentine's Day. There are only two problems with this plot: Men aren't smart enough to look at a calendar, and the weekend before the Daytona 500 is Super Bowl weekend.
We are screwed, ladies.
The only possible way NASCAR can make this up to the women of the world is to put a few cars into the race that we may actually want to follow. Forget Home Depot and Viagra. If the better gender is going to support NASCAR, especially on Valentine's Day, we need some sponsors that appeal to women.
"Welcome, folks, to the 2010 Daytona 500! In honor of Valentine's Day, we have some new contenders to the group that will appeal to little ladies of the crowd."
"That's right, Darrell! Skipping through the lineup is the FTD car. Gentlemen, the guy on the logo is a little fruity looking, but trust me, it's Valentine's Day, and you're gonna want what he's got -- beautiful smelling roses, and I don't mean in the form of an air freshener."
"Squeezing through all the tight spots is the Spanx car. I have a vague idea what Spanx is, Larry, and let me tell you, thank God my biggest underwear worry is choosing boxers or briefs every morning."
"Don't forget commando style, Darrell."
"Don't go there, Larry."
"Hot on the tail of the Spanx car is the Playtex car, and boy does that driver look mad!"
"I heard she wasn't feeling too good today. Got a headache, fatigue and lots of bloating."
"Stay out of her way, boys!"
"We're nearing the end, Darrell, and the ladies have made a good run, but I don't think it will be enough to grab the No. 1 spot. Wait a minute! What's that bright light, Darrell? It's coming around the corner, catching the sun and blinding every driver it passes."
"Oh, my god! It's the Bedazzle car, Larry! Bedazzled in bright rhinestones and colored gems, the Bedazzle car is blazing to the finish line, and the Bedazzle car wins the 2010 Daytona 500!"
"This history of NASCAR has been frazzled by the Bedazzler. Know what I think, Darrell? I think we schedule next year's Daytona 500 on April 1."
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