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Miserable criteria full of bugs
(by Dave Lange - March 24, 2010)
COUNTY LINE, BY DAVE LANGE
Miserable criteria full of bugs
Soon after the Forbes business publication ranked Cleveland as America's most miserable city, I did what any sane miserable person would do. I got out of town. But when I returned from vacation in Florida, I concluded that I wasn't miserable after all. Sanity may be another matter.
Of course, any such ranking depends on the subjective selection and interpretation of criteria.
It's evident from Forbes' list of the 20 most miserable cities that its criteria were skewed against this region, in general, and against Northern Ohio, in particular. Thirteen of the ignominious selections were from six Great Lakes states, including five from Northern Ohio.
With weather being among the defining criteria, there obviously was a strong prejudice against cold winters on the part of the people doing the rankings. Other criteria included violent crime, public corruption, high taxes, unemployment rates, commute times and the performance of professional sports franchises.
Clearly, the Forbes folks do not understand misery. So I've come up with my own miserable criteria.
First of all, snow and cold are not determinants of miserable weather, as many smiling faces in Chardon at this time of year can attest. A lack of changing seasons provides nothing to look forward to come springtime, so all those people living in misery in San Diego, Phoenix and Albuquerque, N.M., can eat their hearts out.
Furthermore, New Orleans did not make the Forbes misery ranking, even though its hurricane season brings no joy whatsoever. Neither did Las Vegas, where it's so hot that just stepping outdoors is a miserable experience.
Bugs really bug people, but somehow the prevalence of pesky insects escaped the attention of Forbes' misery list. In Orlando, Fla., for example, people have to totally enclose their backyard swimming pools with screens. In El Paso, Texas, they check their boots for scorpions in the morning. Perhaps Forbes didn't want to draw negative attention to places that have more termite exterminators than lawyers.
Taxes must be a shifty measuring stick, because such taxing cities as Rochester, N.Y., Baltimore, Hartford, Conn., Honolulu and Oakland, Calif., were under the Forbes misery radar. A better measure would be cities that suck up other people's tax money, which would put Washington, D.C., at the top of the list, followed by Columbus, Atlanta and Sacramento.
Just because public corruption has received a lot of attention in Cuyahoga County recently, does anyone believe for a minute that the lack of investigation and media coverage means that politicians are more honest in Las Vegas, Dallas, Providence, R.I., or Salt Lake City? Ignorance is not bliss.
With the Browns and Indians, Cleveland may not have the best sports franchises. But numerous cities with no big-league sports whatsoever, from Anchorage, Alaska, to Tulsa, Okla., failed to make the Forbes misery list.
Finally, recreational opportunities are the great misery mitigator. People in Northern Ohio cities have beaches and boating on Lake Erie in the summer, nearby snow skiing in winter and wonderful park systems all year round. Virginia Beach, Va., has sharks in its ocean, Orlando, Fla., has alligators in its lakes, San Antonio has rattlesnakes in its parks, and Anchorage, Alaska, has grizzly bears on its trails.
People in Cleveland, Canton, Akron, Toledo and Youngstown might have to contend with high crime rates. But it can be just as miserable to get attacked by wild animals.
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