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It's about time media get to bottom of this
(by Christine Thome - September 24, 2008)
It's about time media get to bottom of this
From the election coverage and the government bail-out of major financial and insurance institutions to the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Ike, the media has been packed full of breaking news stories. So many newsworthy stories that you may have missed the most important one of all.
Are you ready? You may want to sit down for this one -- preferably on a toilet seat.
Georgia Pacific, the makers of Quilted Northern toilet paper, announced they have developed the first-ever three-ply toilet paper and will begin distributing it throughout the country later this week.
Wow! How is that for American decadence? Many people in the world are still using leaves, but only in America will people soon begin demanding three-ply toilet paper for their ample-sized bottoms. Well, probably here and Dubai.
This whole concept of three-ply toilet paper made no sense to me until I realized that Georgia Pacific's toilet-paper researchers (now there's a cushy job) are located in Wisconsin, and Wisconsin is something like the beer, cheese and sausage capital of the world. Anyone who consumes large amounts of cheese, sausage and beer on a regular basis will most likely have some "digestive" issues, hence the need for three-ply toilet paper. Duh! It's all making sense now.
But what doesn't make one bit of sense to me is that Georgia Pacific plans to market this three-ply toilet paper to women who view their bathroom time as their "sanctuary for quality time."
These marketing people must be the same exact marketing people who developed the tag line "Have a happy period" for Procter and Gamble's Always line of feminine products. Every single woman in this world will tell you there is no such thing as a happy period, just as there is no sanctuary or quality time to be found in our bathrooms.
I think I speak for many women when I say that quality time is when the school bus is running 10 minutes late and our only sanctuary can be found driving alone to the grocery store while listening to music we know the words to.
Remember the "Calgon take me away" commercials of our youth? For some reason, I just don't see a successful advertising campaign in the "Send your stress bye-bye with Quilted Northern three-ply" commercials.
The only thing three-ply toilet paper may be good for, beyond the backsides of the well-deserving people of Wisconsin, is for kids who choose to toilet paper, or TP, someone's house.
Our home was recently TP'd, and I can speak from experience that the better-quality toilet paper is much more durable and resistant to removal than the cheaper, one-ply tissue. This is a clear-cut case of "you get what you pay for."
"Somebody's mom is going to be mad!" my oldest daughter commented as we tried to remove the white streams from the front and back yards.
"Why is that?" I asked, wanting to know why someone else's mother had a right to be angrier than me.
"Because this is the good stuff," she said, examining the fine quilted pattern of the two-ply tissue. "Only a mom would buy the good toilet paper. Whoever did this stole the toilet paper from his house. If kids have to pay for it on their own, they're going to buy the cheapest stuff they can find at the grocery store."
I didn't ask why she had firsthand knowledge of the right and wrong way to TP, but I did realize that, if she decides not to be a toilet-paper researcher for Georgia Pacific when she graduates from college, she may have a shot at becoming a darn good TPI -- toilet paper investigator.
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