[ back ]
Like elephant, mom didn't forget
(by Barbara Christian - July 21, 2010)
WINDOW ON MAIN STREET, BY BARBARA CHRISTIAN
Like elephant, mom didn't forget
Parents feel all kinds of things when it comes to their children. Love, of course, and pride. There is joy and even terror. But the most unwanted feeling of all has got to be guilt.
As perfect as our parenting may be, we all can recall that one incident we wish we could have handled differently. The one that nags at our conscience. The one in which we were not there when our child needed us.
Wild animals are better at being there for their young than we are, I think. Example: the elephant. When danger is present, the entire herd turns out and forms a circle, their trunk sides facing out, with their kids inside. While not a particularly aggressive move, the elephant circle is intimidating enough to dissuade predators. But I digress. More on elephants later.
For me, guilt came with our daughter, Sarah, 27 years ago. Like I said, guilt is lasting. The incident stars a teacher who jumped to a false conclusion then multiplied the wrong with a stubborn unwillingness to consider another possibility, admit the mistake and apologize.
Sarah got good grades through high school, went on to earn multiple degrees afterward and was never lacking in academic drive. But you would not have known it one spring day back in 1983, when she and I were called to a meeting with the teacher, who wasted no time in accusing us of collusion.
The teacher made the leap of logic, claiming that, since I wrote for the newspaper, I wrote my daughter's term paper. It was too good to have been done by a high-school student, the teacher said.
The assumption was horrifying, humiliating, and it was wrong. I did the only appropriate thing. I said it was not true, but the teacher would have none of it. It wasn't the OK Corral, but the teacher, having all the power in the situation, ended the stand-off and graded the term paper as though Sarah was a cheat and I was her accomplice.
Now, understand that 27 years ago the teacher was always right. Parents did not disrespect or oppose the teacher's authority or go over the teacher's head by complaining to the next in command. Parents did not do that then, "No way, no how," as the Cowardly Lion put it.
And I still feel the coward and guilt for not doing more for my daughter.
The teacher has since retired but lives nearby and is often in town. The injustice and guilt come flooding in when I see the teacher. I fantasize that one of these days I stop the teacher and launch into an eloquent speech about "the incident" and how the charges against us made all those years ago were not true. The fact that I continue to protest the charges 27 years later, when there is nothing to lose or nothing to gain, would be convincing enough to elicit an apology.
That's why, when I think about the incident, I think about elephants
Elephant moms may not feel guilt, but they protect their kids. I should have been more of an elephant mom all those years ago, encircled my child and faced down the teacher.
But I have one important thing in common with the elephant moms, and it may come in handy one day. I don't forget. One day I will make that speech.
[ back ]
