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Big trophy is waiting if this player scores
(by Christine Thome - February 11, 2011)
BEYOND MY CONTROL, BY CHRISTINE THOME
Big trophy is waiting if this player scores
"Welcome, sports fans! My name is John 'Cupid' Jones, and next to me is Stan 'Sweetheart' Smith. The big game is just days away, and we're here to walk you through every play by play to ensure you don't end up on the bench."
"Big game, John? What big game? Super Bowl was last weekend, dude."
"Did that concussion really do that much damage, Stan? Valentine's Day! I'm talking about Valentine's Day!"
"Uh, John, Valentine's Day is for chicks -- us football guys want nothing to do with Valentine's Day. There's no place for hearts on the football field, John."
"No? Then why do the coaches use X's and O's to teach plays? The Chicago Bears' head coach is named Lovie, for God's sake! Are these coincidences? I think not. Anyway, whether it's football or Valentine's Day, we all want the same thing, don't we, guys? We want to score! Do you understand what I mean by score, Stan, or did that concussion affect the lower extremity of your body too?"
"No, John, I know exactly what you mean, and I'm back on the same page with you, buddy. Let's open the play book and get these guys into the end zone!"
"Now, gentlemen, you must win the coin toss so that you can control the ball and make all the right passes, if you know what I mean."
"Once you've won the coin toss, it's very important that you don't fraternize with the opposing team, even if they are your best friends. Remember, they want the same outcome you do, and they'll do anything to make that happen."
"That's right, John. Valentine's Day is a 24-hour event. There's a 15-yard penalty for any guy who thinks it's OK to meet up with the boys for a beer and cigar before taking his wife out for a romantic dinner. You must dedicate yourself to your spouse the entire day or face the consequences."
"Fifteen yards is a lot to make up in a short amount of time, Stan. Trust me, guys, you don't want to be crawling out of that hole!"
"OK, John, let's take a look at some of last year's Valentine's Day footage. Here's our guy, Kevin 'Kiss Me' Kluinski. Kevin certainly has the drive and the skill to succeed, but let's see how well he can throw the ball."
"He's doing pretty good, Stan. He got some yardage with the heart-shaped box of chocolates, but I'm not sure he'll make it to the red-roses yard line. He's got a little making up to do on this next play."
"You're right, John. Chocolate is a nice touch, but trust me, it's not enough by itself. You gotta pair 'em up with some high-quality roses. None of that drugstore stuff."
"One play down, three more to go. Will he do it?"
"He's looking for the opening and he sees it. Nice throw! Right over the red roses and into the dinner reservations. He's making great progress, John."
"He certainly is, Stan. He's got the chocolates, the red roses and now the dinner reservations. Only a few more yards stand in the way of Kevin scoring!"
"Oh, oh, John! There's a flag on the field. What happened? Why is there a flag on the field?"
"One word, Stan. Cheerleaders. Kluinski took his eye off the ball for one second to check out the cheerleaders, and it cost him five yards."
"Not good, John. Take a lesson, guys. You know there are sexy cheerleaders on the sidelines. Your wife knows there are sexy cheerleaders on the sidelines. But whatever you do, do not even glance at the sexy cheerleaders. Especially on Valentine's Day."
"He's looking pretty sheepish, Stan. He knows he really needs to make it up on this play."
"Here's the throw, John. Oh, my God! It looks like Kluinski isn't going to let five yards keep him down. He's made it over the fancy-dinner yard line, and he's even gone over the surprise-her-with-jewelry yard line. Our guy is well into the overnight-at-a-romantic-bed-and-breakfast zone. I can't believe it! He's done it, John, he's in the end zone!"
"Touchdown!"
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