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Grocery shopping is adventure
(by Barbara Christian - March 24, 2011)
WINDOW ON MAIN STREET, BY BARBARA CHRISTIAN
Grocery shopping is adventure
Grocery shopping. Everyone does it, unless he happens to be married, and his wife won't let him near the supermarket, because last time she did, her hunter-gatherer came home with a 5-pound bag of beef jerky and a dozen fresh clams but not the mayonnaise and Parmesan cheese she sent him for.
But men in grocery stores is not what we want to talk about today. Like you, I have done a fair amount of the grocery shopping and, after years of observation, have come up with strategy you may want to consider next time you walk through the whooshing automatic doors of your favorite market.
First, we all know not to go grocery shopping when we are hungry. But did you know there are other forces at work that can undo your resolve? Have you ever noticed the smell of something good cooking right as you enter the store? It's from the rotisserie chicken cleverly placed near the entrance. The goal is to whet your appetite and put you in the mood to fill your cart with that which is not on your shopping list. Like rotisserie chicken.
Now that you have recognized the if-it-smells-good-buy-it ploy, let's move on. The next part is easy. You have your shopping list in hand and have collected everything on it. The hard part is finding the right checkout line. This is make-or-break time, and it calls for wise choices.
Do not -- repeat, do not -- choose the shortest line. There is a law of nature that says the shortest line is never the fastest line. Avoid it at all costs.
Don't pick one of those do-it-yourself checkout lines either. They take jobs from people, and they are stress making. I don't trust these machines. Maybe it's because the automatic scanner talks and the robo voice that comes from it sounds like it could belong to Eva Braun. When she gives her no-nonsense instructions, "Scan item," or, "Put in the bag," the meaning is implicit. Do it or else.
OK, you have resisted both the short line and the robo line. What do you do now? Find the line presided over by a cashier who looks most experienced. Watch which cashier moves quickly with confidence, knows the cost of every item and never has to refer to the price list. Choose that line.
Resist waiting in a line manned by a young person. Nothing against their age. It's their muscle. They are strong and think everyone else is too. That's why they pack 50 pounds of groceries in a single bag that only they can lift. Do not choose the young cashier.
That's about it, but there is a caveat. As with most strategies, nothing is foolproof, and some folks refuse to follow the playbook. You never know which person in line ahead of you will have a problem that requires the attention of two cashiers in consultation with the manager, which results in 15 minutes of haggling and explaining.
The best advice here is to be philosophical. Use this time wisely. Instead of getting all wrought-up, practice your deep-breathing exercises and send your mind off on the train to your happy place.
Or you can look around at the other people in your line and amuse yourself by imagining the lives they lead based on the contents of their carts. For example, why is the woman behind you buying a box of Kool-Aid and a can of Drain-O? It's obvious she is up to no good.
At this point you have two choices, You can continue your deep breathing or call the police.
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