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There are profits from every ill
(by Barbara Christian - March 21, 2012)
WINDOW ON MAIN STREET, BY BARBARA CHRISTIAN
There are profits from every ill
Question: Do you know what happens when good old American ingenuity meets our good old self-absorbed American society? Answer: Our good old American over-the-counter-drug industry, that's what.
Now mix in some old-fashioned hypochondria, equal amounts of vanity and fear, and you have that perfect storm that produces profits for companies that come up with pills, potions, liquids, salves, drops and gels promised to cure all that ails us, whatever that may be.
If you watch TV, listen to the radio, go online, read the coupons delivered to your mailbox on a regular basis, you know that to be a fact.
Dare we say there is a snake-oil salesman lurking behind every claim, whether it's a silver-bullet process that will remove unwanted facial hair or a slather of goo that promises to produce hair on the top of your head. Or maybe it will just "melt the fat away" while we sleep.
There is usually a disclaimer that reads something like, "Results may vary," or, "Not all will experience the same results." Might as well take the money and wager it at the soon-to-open casino on Public Square.
But hope springs eternal, and a good many of us will buy the stuff that promises perfection, even though in our heart of hearts we know we are gambling our hard-earned cash on long-sought cures.
Which brings me to the most recent round of coupons that came in the mail last week. Here are solutions to problems we didn't know we had.
Did you know there is a product that will sanitize your nasal passages? When did this become a problem? "Think hand sanitizer for your nose," the advertisement says.
The accompanying coupon gives us $2 off on the stuff, which sells for around $15 for 30 swabs. I don't know about you, but I could find a lot better ways to spend 15 bucks than sanitizing my nasal passages.
We are obsessed with germs. Hand sanitizers are everywhere, but now we are learning they have unintended consequences. So just when you think you've got the germ thing covered, there comes another product that will add them to your belly. Apparently, all germs are not bad. But we knew that.
These germs come in the form of probiotic "strains," 30 billion of them in just one capsule, and they cost a mere $45 for 60 doses. Save three bucks if you clip the accompanying coupon.
Turn the page of the advertising flier, and we find we can save $3 on a countertop soap dispenser you don't have to touch, lest you pick up a germ from the thing that's not supposed to have any.
It's based on those annoying no-touch soap dispensers we use at airports and other public places. Apparently, the technology now permits us to be annoyed in the sanctity of our own homes. What a bargain.
My favorite new solve-all-your-ills item is not health oriented. Apparently, this one is meant to shame us into buying a cozy for that backup roll of toilet paper. The message is toilet paper is embarrassing. Really?
So why do we continue to buy this stuff? It's a combination of naivete, hope and our goal to be germ-free, fat-free and hairy in the right places and perfection in everything.
And if we can just lay our hands on something that will stop our embarrassment of that backup roll of toilet paper toll, all the better.
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