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Swim suits give men competitive advantage
(by Christine Thome - August 21, 2008)
Swim suits give men competitive advantage
"I used to look like that," said my husband, John, as he watched me act like a love-sick schoolgirl every time Michael Phelps got out of the water during the Beijing Olympics.
"I'm sorry, what did you say, honey?" I asked, just a little perturbed that he interrupted my romantic fantasy.
"That!" he yelled pointing at the television. "I used to look just like Michael Phelps when I swam -- probably even better. They say he has small legs. I don't have small legs, you know."
"Believe me, baby, I remember what you look like in a Speedo," I replied with a wink.
I met my husband in college, where he swam competitively for the university. Years of swimming had forced his shoulders wide, his waist thin and his muscles taut. Out of all the male athletes in the world, swimmers are definitely the sexiest.
Trust me, there is only one reason why a college-aged woman like myself would spend hours in a hot natatorium, where the outrageous amount of humidity does nothing but frizz your hair and melt your well-applied makeup, and that is to watch gorgeous men parade around in small bathing suits.
Come on! Men appreciate women walking around in very little clothing. Why can't women enjoy the same view of the opposite sex?
In fact, I'm a little upset that the male beach volleyball players are allowed to wear full-cover shirts and long shorts, while the women players must wear shoelaces disguised as bathing suits. If women athletes have to learn how to discreetly dislodge a wedgie while playing on international television, then so should the men.
Thankfully, we are nearing the end of the swim season, and I find my self-confidence rising as the temperatures start to fall and long pants and comfortable sweaters begin to take over the department stores and boutiques. Not even a deep-discount sale on bathing suits could get me back into the dressing room to struggle into something that looks more like a Spandex sausage casing than a piece of clothing.
Men don't have the problem of struggling into something too small and too tight. Their bathing suits come in four sizes -- small, medium, large and extra large. That's it. Four stupid sizes and a draw string to adjust for weight gain over the winter. Guys can buy one bathing suit and wear it for 10 years or until their wives become disgusted and throw it out.
On the other hand, women's bathing suits come in multiple sizes with numbers attached to them. It's kind of like golf. The higher your number, the worse you feel about yourself. Unfortunately, women's bathing suits don't come with a handicap -- like a draw string -- so that we can adjust our size accordingly each summer.
Even worse, our bathing suits might come in pieces, and sometimes you have to buy a different size for the top and a whole different, usually larger size for the bottom. It's no wonder that research shows women are now experiencing heart attacks at the same rate as men. It all comes back to the stress of trying on bathing suits.
Although I'm a firm (no pun intended) believer that only competitive male swimmers should ever wear a Speedo, I do have a twisted fantasy in which I wish all men, regardless of weight and the amount of hair on their backs, were forced to put on a Speedo and make an appearance at a public pool for one day.
I'm sure that would change the Speedo into a Speed-Oh!
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